When a baby dies, the holiday season can be one of the most heartbreaking times for grieving parents. It is a time often filled with dread, and you may wish you could skip the holidays altogether. At the very least, you may no longer wish to participate in family events and celebrations in the same ways you once did, and your loved ones may not understand. They may think it will bring peace to your aching hearts to be surrounded by loved ones, but that can feel impossible and remind you of all you are missing. If you are not able to skip out on the holidays altogether, consider some ways to make it feel calmer and less stressful:
• Be choosy about what gatherings you attend; leave early if you need to.
• Take some time each day to nurture your body and spirit. Drink a mug of your favorite tea, take a bubble bath, bundle up, and go for a walk…whatever brings you some comfort.
• Make a playlist of your favorite relaxing holiday music.
• Talk about the holidays with your partner and/or other children to incorporate some of their wishes and plans.
• Now is not the time to force yourself to do things that do not feel right to you. If shopping in malls and stores is too much to handle, shop online. It’s okay to tell your loved ones you won’t be participating in gift exchanges this year.
• The rituals of your family’s holiday traditions may bring you comfort, too. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate (or not celebrate). Do whatever will be a balm to your tender heart, and do not feel guilty about the choices you make.
The holiday season can also be easier to get through when you find a few ways to include and/or honor your baby. Following are a few ideas to get you started:
• Start a tradition of buying or making a special ornament each year.
• Buy a gift and donate it in your baby’s name to a hospital or women’s shelter.
• If you have a candle from your baby’s memorial service, light it during family meals and other special times throughout the season. If you do not have such a candle, pick one out and make it your baby’s candle.
• Buy a live Christmas tree, or any evergreen tree, and plant it in your yard. Each year take a picture of your family next to the tree.
• Purchase holiday cards that perhaps symbolize your baby, i.e. teddy bear, angel, a little tree, or a stamp that symbolizes your baby, to use on holiday correspondence.
• If you want to include your baby in holiday photos, consider holding a photograph, stuffed animal, or other memento.
The holiday season is a stressful, difficult time for someone who has experienced the death of a baby. However, with a bit of planning, you can at the very least cope with the holidays. Soon, they will be over, and in years to come, the traditions you start now may become some of your family’s most treasured holiday memories.