If the only thing you did today was get out of bed and survive, that is okay!  We have always called the grief experience a roller coaster ride with blindfolds. Often your partner may not be in the same hill or valley as you. The lows are very low and sometimes one may not know when those will hit. Somedays, the peaks or highs are there too, and good. Of course, your baby’s death affected you and your spouse or partner the most, but he/she touched and affected your family, friends, co-workers, church members, community, and even acquaintances. Babies are not supposed to die and when they do, people are saddened and overwhelmed. Dealing with your own feelings is complicated enough. Seeing others grieve can sometimes be difficult, as you may not have the energy to deal with their issues. On the other hand, sharing your grief may be comforting. The other issue one may deal with is even though others are hurting for you, they seem to move on with their daily lives when yours may seem to stand still. Another aspect of grief and everyday life is feelings of grief may appear where you least expect them. Some of those are listening to songs on the radio, seeing a TV program or commercial that features a baby, or finding quiet moments in the car or shower.  Sometimes it can be really hard to just get your hair cut, go to a doctor's appointment, buy groceries, or run errands. Probably one of the most challenging is attending family gatherings and friends’ parties. It would be nice if you could put your grief on a shelf and have only certain hours the loss would affect you. How one wishes they could have some control of this roller coaster ride. We have listed below a few tidbits we have learned along the way to help cope with our own experiences, plus others we have helped:

Partner coping:  Always let your relationship take precedence. Realize this is a hurt that affects you simultaneously yet differently. He or she may not be able to give you all the support you need. That does not mean he/she does not love you or the baby.

Surprise grief reactions: Try not to run from these moments. Allow the feelings to come. Sometimes they are the impetus for a good cry. Realize you may cry in public and that is OK.

Work situations:  Have a coworker speak for you if needed or tell your boss your needs. Provide some bereavement educational materials for your co-workers. Choose what social functions outside work you are comfortable participating in.

Family/Friends Gatherings:  Have a close relative/friend share with others what you are able to do. Attend activities you are at ease with or only stay a short time. Buy gift certificates or shop online for gifts. Pick your battles, as they may cost you lots of energy. Sometimes relationships need a little space. As one begins to feel better, their perspective changes. It is always ok to SAY NO.

Coping:  find your support system with one/s who will really listen and understand: A loved one, a support group member in your area, or the Share staff.  Cherish the people who support you totally. How you felt at the beginning of your grief process about a person or situation may feel different several weeks or months later. Your feelings and ability to cope will change along this grief journey. In the beginning of your grief, you may never think that you will one day smile again and not be overwhelmed by life’s day-to-day issues.  BUT YOU WILL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.